10 Things No One Tells You About Pregnancy

I’ve been gathering my most honest thoughts together about my pregnancy experiences. I tend to err on the side of sarcasm and humor mostly to keep from ugly crying, because nobody needs to see that. Sorry about the bad words mom, don’t worry I still love Jesus. These may or may not be specific examples of my experience but if you are thinking of going with may then you’d be right.

1.     No matter how cute that belly looks at 20 weeks things will get ugly in the end….very ugly.

2.     Meet hemorrhoid, your faithful friend that reminds you every time you poop, your butthole will never be the same.

3.     Enjoy your boobs, take a good look at them in the mirror and then thank them for their service because the best boob days of your life are quickly fading from view.

4.     Stretch marks, they will happen, anywhere and everywhere, even on places that don’t seem like they could possibly get a stretch mark, I’m looking at you left armpit!

5.     Kegels are a lie from Satan to give you false hope that some day you will have normal bladder control. “Sneeze pee” will become an all too normal part of your vernacular.

6.     Thirsty vampire you say? Oh no that’s just heart burn shredding the inner lining of your throat layer by layer which is only cured by eating 17 orange tums and yelling at your husband.

7.     You don’t actually know what tired is. Remember when you thought you were “tired” after that super lit house party Ashley threw sophomore year of college and you totally had to wake up for a final the next morning and you couldn’t even? Well you just shut up 19-year-old-me, you irresponsible whore who lacked an appropriate appreciation for a good nights sleep and perky boobs!

8.     Do yourself a favor and step on the scale backwards at your OB appointments, you don’t need to see numerical proof that you ate the entirety of a bag of tootsie rolls in the last 48 hours or that “the baby” only allowed you to exclusively eat Taco Bell for your ENTIRE first trimester.

9.     You are not just eating for two, oh no you are eating for three! Who is three you ask? Your husband of course, who should be thanking you for not going psycho-hangry on him when he tried to give you a turkey sandwich that had been TOASTED! Who toasts lunchmeat? A psychopath that’s who.

10. You will fall completely and irrevocably in love with the squishy bundle of raw humanity that makes its entrance into the world in a bloody and blustering ejection and in doing so they turn the world right side up. You will think to yourself, “Ahhh I get it now.” You will also immediately forget the first 9 things on this list and most likely do it all again, and again. Why? Because you’re a gullible idiot and babies are cute.

What is one (or whatever number you fancy) thing(s) you wish you knew about pregnancy?

XO, Lauren

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